#JOYyear
For the past year I've been using #JOYyear to mark most of my IG and FB posts, and it's been both a reminder and rallying cry to myself. Here's the story of my Joy Year...
At the start of 2016 I was in a dark place, so depressed and feeling beaten by circumstances and the realities of our new life as a homeschooling family of six. I knew I had so much to be thankful for... we had finally brought Tesfa home and could rest in the completion of our family. God had done miracles in bringing her home when many said it would never happen. But still... I was overwhelmed, tired, and sad more often than not. Teaching three boys at home and working at bonding and connection with a new toddler was HARD. One day one of my sweet boys excitedly exclaimed, "Mom! You smiled! I forgot what it looked like when you smile!"
So.
That was an eye opener.
As part of Legacy Principles, Linda Werner had been leading us since the beginning of that school year in a journey of increasing intentionality. I remember one night she spoke rather harshly about women who keep asking for help and keep cycling through the same issues but never actually take the steps needed for growth and change. I thought Linda's words were maybe too strong at the time BUT they jolted me out of my own rut. I thought, "Oh that sounds like such a waste! That can't be me..." And I slowly started to wrestle more with my own junk and really try to move towards healing. That fall God brought me some amazing new friends, pulled me even closer to treasured old friends, a new doctor, and some counseling referrals.
So as 2016 dawned I was still deep in the trench and fighting every day to even want to get out bed. I knew there were some good options to walk through for healing but just the thought of making all the phone calls and appointments necessary was incredibly daunting, on top of juggling family, church, and full-time homeschooling. And washing my hair. And making 18 meals a day plus 14 million snacks. Because at that point EVERYTHING was Just. Too. Much.
Linda sent a new podcast that January that encouraged us to choose a word for the year, but instead of just choosing any word it was a teaching that focused on asking God to develop in you a greater capacity to experience and live out a certain fruit of the Spirit. After praying for a short time I knew that I needed to ask God to teach me about JOY.
It seemed like a big ask. I felt so far from joy that it seemed nearly impossible to ask God to bring me that far in one little year. But I knew in my head that our God is the God of the immeasurably more. So I asked for Joy. I also resolved to take advantage of any opportunity that God put in front of me that might bring me closer to this new goal.
Katherine invited me to a bible study called "Joyful Journey". I joined. Lindsey gave me the number for a new counselor. I made the call. I talked to a new friend about her own depression. I made an appointment with my doctor. I listened to podcasts. I prayed and journaled and blasted worship music. I made myself go to girls' night out and ladies prayer nights. I went walking with Bryn. I said yes to missions opportunities at church. I took naps. I watched America's Funniest Home videos to laugh with my kids. I went to concerts. We went on vacation with new family friends and practiced relaxing and unwinding. I went to yoga and forced myself to breathe.
And bit by bit, moment by moment, with each deep breath and smile and connection, God grew in me a new capacity for joy. I learned how to feel joy, to recognize it, anticipate it, make room for it, value it, prioritize it, and celebrate it. I learned how to say yes to joy-growers and say no to joy-killers. I learned about guarding my inputs. And I messed up a lot. I blew up at my kids and got mad at Joe and said yes to way too much. But it didn't send me into the black spiral anymore... after a taste of joy I knew I wanted more and it was always worth retooling and reworking whatever was broken to get closer to what God really had for me.
Sounds rosy, doesn't it? It was. Often. But I learned one more really important lesson about joy. I don't think you can experience and appreciate the fullness of joy if you have not walked through its opposite experience. And so while 2016 was a year of joy, it was also a year of desperate sorrow. We said goodbye to Joe's sweet grandma after watching her slowly decline in a nursing home. She whispered her fears into my ear and held me tight.
It was a heavy season. There were moments of hurt, misunderstanding, and silence from family members. Old patterns of broken relationships played themselves out over and over. We left behind the house and neighborhood we had loved for nearly a decade. We dealt with all of the normal fighting you'd expect from 3 brothers, as well as the added burden of attachment struggles, hearts broken by early loss, and the dynamics of adoption and race relations in this volatile society. We homeschooled and fought the good fight against the dyslexia and ADHD monsters.
But worst of all, we began the walk with a dear friend through her husband's suicide and the long aftermath of rebuilding a family. I don't even really have words for that journey and it's not completely my story to tell. All I can say now, which is crucial for this Joystory, is that sitting in that deep dark place and fully engaging in it made the sweet moments, small victories, and baby steps out of the pit so much sweeter. It was the real life illustration of how much brighter a pinpoint of light is in the deepest dark. It takes the darkest nights to see the most stars and I think it's the same with grief and joy... if we surround ourselves with too many fake lights and distractions from the world, it is so much harder to see the real lights that are there. Distractions dim the light. Joy is richer after sorrow.
As 2017 dawned, I found myself unwilling to wipe the slate and leave my Joyyear behind. I felt like God was whispering this verse to my spirit...
After a few weeks of praying around this verse I realized that it was okay not to let my Joyyear be done. That Jesus had ENDURED for the JOY set before Him, and in the same way I'd have to learn how to endure... finding the joy in raising 4 children, homeschooling with learning differences, battling my own physical and mental tendencies towards depression and anxiety... even enduring to find the JOY in fixing 18 meals and 14 billion snacks every day. When my gaze shifts to Jesus it is a joy to be surrounded by the chaos of young, living, healthy children and a husband who may be hungry but he's here, Praise God. And even though we wake up most mornings to cereal on the floor and bikes left overnight in the rain it is a JOY to be allowed to raise these four precious souls. Even the dyslexia and the ADHD become JOY when we finish a new chapter book or someone remembers to brush their teeth without a reminder or that crazy creative energy works to build an amazing invention and the giggles are loud and true.
So in 2017, the Joyyear continues and I take the time to celebrate the pinpoints of light in the dark and JOY ENDURES.
At the start of 2016 I was in a dark place, so depressed and feeling beaten by circumstances and the realities of our new life as a homeschooling family of six. I knew I had so much to be thankful for... we had finally brought Tesfa home and could rest in the completion of our family. God had done miracles in bringing her home when many said it would never happen. But still... I was overwhelmed, tired, and sad more often than not. Teaching three boys at home and working at bonding and connection with a new toddler was HARD. One day one of my sweet boys excitedly exclaimed, "Mom! You smiled! I forgot what it looked like when you smile!"
So.
That was an eye opener.
So as 2016 dawned I was still deep in the trench and fighting every day to even want to get out bed. I knew there were some good options to walk through for healing but just the thought of making all the phone calls and appointments necessary was incredibly daunting, on top of juggling family, church, and full-time homeschooling. And washing my hair. And making 18 meals a day plus 14 million snacks. Because at that point EVERYTHING was Just. Too. Much.
Linda sent a new podcast that January that encouraged us to choose a word for the year, but instead of just choosing any word it was a teaching that focused on asking God to develop in you a greater capacity to experience and live out a certain fruit of the Spirit. After praying for a short time I knew that I needed to ask God to teach me about JOY.
Katherine invited me to a bible study called "Joyful Journey". I joined. Lindsey gave me the number for a new counselor. I made the call. I talked to a new friend about her own depression. I made an appointment with my doctor. I listened to podcasts. I prayed and journaled and blasted worship music. I made myself go to girls' night out and ladies prayer nights. I went walking with Bryn. I said yes to missions opportunities at church. I took naps. I watched America's Funniest Home videos to laugh with my kids. I went to concerts. We went on vacation with new family friends and practiced relaxing and unwinding. I went to yoga and forced myself to breathe.
And bit by bit, moment by moment, with each deep breath and smile and connection, God grew in me a new capacity for joy. I learned how to feel joy, to recognize it, anticipate it, make room for it, value it, prioritize it, and celebrate it. I learned how to say yes to joy-growers and say no to joy-killers. I learned about guarding my inputs. And I messed up a lot. I blew up at my kids and got mad at Joe and said yes to way too much. But it didn't send me into the black spiral anymore... after a taste of joy I knew I wanted more and it was always worth retooling and reworking whatever was broken to get closer to what God really had for me.
Sounds rosy, doesn't it? It was. Often. But I learned one more really important lesson about joy. I don't think you can experience and appreciate the fullness of joy if you have not walked through its opposite experience. And so while 2016 was a year of joy, it was also a year of desperate sorrow. We said goodbye to Joe's sweet grandma after watching her slowly decline in a nursing home. She whispered her fears into my ear and held me tight.
It was a heavy season. There were moments of hurt, misunderstanding, and silence from family members. Old patterns of broken relationships played themselves out over and over. We left behind the house and neighborhood we had loved for nearly a decade. We dealt with all of the normal fighting you'd expect from 3 brothers, as well as the added burden of attachment struggles, hearts broken by early loss, and the dynamics of adoption and race relations in this volatile society. We homeschooled and fought the good fight against the dyslexia and ADHD monsters.
But worst of all, we began the walk with a dear friend through her husband's suicide and the long aftermath of rebuilding a family. I don't even really have words for that journey and it's not completely my story to tell. All I can say now, which is crucial for this Joystory, is that sitting in that deep dark place and fully engaging in it made the sweet moments, small victories, and baby steps out of the pit so much sweeter. It was the real life illustration of how much brighter a pinpoint of light is in the deepest dark. It takes the darkest nights to see the most stars and I think it's the same with grief and joy... if we surround ourselves with too many fake lights and distractions from the world, it is so much harder to see the real lights that are there. Distractions dim the light. Joy is richer after sorrow.
As 2017 dawned, I found myself unwilling to wipe the slate and leave my Joyyear behind. I felt like God was whispering this verse to my spirit...
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